Warning bells should be going off in my head-I know this... I am completely fixated on death, dying, being dead, killing myself, being gone, being invisible, taking a break from feeling so overwhelmed... The list seems endless. I've been preoccupied with how fast the world is passing me by-leaving me somewhere lost in it's frothy wake. At the same time, I fear death. I'm completely terrified of leaving this world never knowing happiness. Death=Nothingness... I want happiness... But do I want an ending to this more than I desire to be happy? I mean, if I feel happiness will the next crash just take me that much further down?
Why do I cry; at the thought of winter being gone? At the thought that March has passed me by? At the fact Sam is getting older? At the sad look on my teddy bear's face-like he knows everything that is wrong in my world? Lame-I know... That's the story of my life-Lame-Completely and utterly a pathetic waste of space.
Let's see. I go to college and only graduate to appease people because i couldn't have cared less... So, I get this degree that is supposed to open all these doors and I work some stupid, mindless job with no hope of going anywhere except into another room of rats. Why did I go to college? I could have done this job as a high school drop-out. Ok, maybe they wouldn't have hired me, but that's the intelligence level required. I can't imagine a less mentally stimulating job... For the love of God, if a rat rips it's toe-nail off, I can't call the red stuff coming out 'blood' because I don't KNOW it's blood, it's just some random red-discharge coming from it's toe... are you effing kidding me??? So college was a waste of time, energy, and life. I am by far the least successful in my family. I can't get a good job, I can't go to graduate school, I can't do anything right. I'm stupid, unsuccessful, ugly, fat and completely useless. Yes, I hate myself and where I am and where I'm supposedly going. I take up space in this world-valuable space that could belong to someone worthy of being here, who wants to be here, who desires life and all it's false promises. Me? I've had enough.
Am I in a bad place? one could say 'hell yeah' or I could just say it's where I spend most of my days... Ever wonder why I so desperately sought an out from this place? My only question from all that seeking is why didn't I get out? Why am I here? No one can give me a good answer. I said earlier I want happiness... I really just want it to be over. I know I want to be happy, but, it's not possible. That's like wishing for fairies. It's stupid and is nothing but false dreams...
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