Plain and simple, I quit... I went to work early and stayed late and dealt with too much shit in between. The new scheduling idea is stupid, we work more hours to do the same amount of work... This morning we were taking body weights on rats (they were having food consumption data, mass measurements and clinical signs done in the afternoon). Well, based on weight loss or obviously huge masses 10 needed to be euthanized. A coworker e-mailed the study director for permission. Because I didn't want it getting too late, I e-mailed the study director and asked for the verdict on the rats-he replied "suzy, please take the following rats to necropsy" and gave me the list of 10 animals. Well, I had to finish taking the data on them and then enter their 'death information' (why they were dying and who said it was ok), i had one animal left when the other tech came in and says "those rats are going to necropsy in the morning" um... they can't, i already entered their info! So, she goes and tells necropsy (apparently she'd already told them they were going tomorrow) and when I bring the rats in the lady at necropsy completely freaked out and wanted me to spell my name for her. I told her what happened (that no one told me they were going tomorrow and I wanted to get them to necropsy as early as possible as it's not nice to bring them at the end of the day causing the necropsy techs to stay late) and she just says "that's NOT what Becca said." So, this all went down at 2, they are supposed to work until 4. At 4, one tech was still in necropsy and was starting to clean up... seriously? Anyways, I e-mailed the communication between the study director and myself to my supervisor so she knew what was up when she got the call... I'm so sick of being yelled at for no reason, I was doing my job-why doesn't she do hers??? Everyone has been running behind lately and it's making things hard for all of us. I did several doses by myself today because the other doser didn't get there in time... I worked through lunch and straight though until well after my scheduled hours. Why is it that you bust your ass all day and all anyone can say to you is something to the effect of 'why did you f' this up?' I'm sick of it. I hate work and I hate covance. I can't handle the drama.
Being allowed or even encouraged to skip lunch due to scheduling is really dangerous for me. It's way too easy for me to slip back to restricting-especially when I'm so stressed and upset. Better yet, I come home and eat 14 pancakes (and not small ones) just for the sake of being able to purge. I hate eating, I especially hate binge eating, but, I just want to purge and it's so much better if I ate. All i want to do is purge, I've even purged at work. I know, pathetic. Why can't i just make people happy? I feel completely useless. No one appreciates me, i don't see the point in getting up much less going to work. It's pointless. I hate myself and the more i purge the more pathetic i feel, but if I don't, i can't handle it... The emotional release, the tears, the feeling of accomplishment... I'll never be good enough but maybe i can at least be pretty. If I lose weight and like myself other people will too. I just wish I was doing better at losing-I feel like I'm just getting fatter and uglier.
I haven't slept in at least 3 nights, I'm exhausted and this whole work situation is just so overwhelming. Work is this stress in my life that I can't get away from and I can't make any better.
Why the heck to people have to yell at me for nothing? ugh. I need to quit on today, if I think about it any more I'm just going to end up purging more or worse. maybe quitting is self-preservation.
I hate my life.
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