Damaged

Plumb-Damaged

Lyrics are needed to help me with this song...

"Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know"

I've never known love and don't believe I ever will. Love is something that happens to others. Nobody wants to love a damaged good which is all I am. There are so many intact women out there to love, why would someone pick out the girl on the "defective-returns" shelf.

"I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me"

I am all of this. Scared, alone and ashamed. The isolation that AY sequestered me into has stood up to the years. 5 years later, I am still isolated from the rest of the people because it's easier to cope... People often say "I wish I could take it back," AY can never "take back" what he took from me. It's gone. My trust, my self respect, my belief that others are inherently good, my desire for intimacy, my comfort around others, my desire to live, and so much more... I feel AY all the time, he haunts my dreams and my days. I have lived in constant fear and anxiety since I left. I fear he will come to my apartment and hurt me-he knows where I live. I never said everything I needed to say-if I had, he would have stopped. If I had said it right, he would be in jail. If I was a strong woman, none of this would even be an issue. It would have been over and done so fast-AY's life would have been over as he knew it, and I would have moved on. Instead, I didn't say or do the right things, and 21 months later I was the one left without a life or a future and AY has continued his life as planned.

"Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know"

I don't know healing-why should I 'heal' myself just to be an assault victim anyways. I'm damaged, no one should get close to me. I'm disgusting, dirty-filthy, violated, and thrown out. Who would want to love someone who has already been loved out and thrown away? Sounds like someone who is awfully desperate is the only one who would even try. I belonged to someone else first, but, unlike a discarded teddy-bear, you can't throw me in the wash and I'll come out good as new, I'm dirty inside and out and nothing will ever change that. You can't repair what was done.

"There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back"

I was recently asked if I had forgiven AY. The answer is yes. Have I forgiven myself? No. This is the final verse and it's a verse I haven't gotten myself to. I have not found mending for my soul or any semblance of an ending to this fear. I live in fear... I have forgiven AY... I was just a little girl; a sad, desperate, weak, and scared girl. I can't go back, but god how I wish I could... I wish I could take back my every action during those nearly 2 years. At the same time, I don't... What was done to me will always remind me of the stupid weak girl I was, and, in most ways, still am. If AY hadn't done this to me, some other man would have. I only wish AY had taken my life. Is it sick that thought goes through my mind whenever I find myself alone with a man? It's like a silent prayer "if you're going to assault me, please kill me too as I can't live through it again." That is a warped mind...