Angry
Rage
Sad
Ashamed
Afraid
Nervous
Anxious
Hate
Disgusted
Embarrassed
Hate
amongst other things express how I've been feeling, especially since Sunday... No details needed, if you don't know, you probably shouldn't. I am so beyond angry, I'm hurt and I feel betrayed. I feel like I was thrown under the bus out of some sick case of revenge. Now, as a result of pure and utter bull, I will be stuck going to therapy twice a week for an undetermined length of time. I'm not sure I have ever been more upset in my entire life. The last time I was committed to therapy and forced to take medications against my will, it was a result of a very serious choice I made in my life-The last time I attempted to kill myself. Now I'm committed to therapy and medications on some overblown allegations. I've gotten myself so upset I was throwing up last night in between sobs until i fell asleep on the bathroom floor around 4:30... I'm so done with this.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Like the Rain
Clint Black-Like The Rain
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain
When the cloud is rolling over thunder striking me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you falling
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you, I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain I have fallen for you
I'm falling for you now just like the rain
And when the night falls on our better days
And we're looking to the sky
For the winds to take us high above the plains
I know that we'll find better ways to look into the eye of the storms that will be calling
Forever we'll be falling like the rain...
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain
When the cloud is rolling over thunder striking me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you falling
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you, I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain I have fallen for you
I'm falling for you now just like the rain
And when the night falls on our better days
And we're looking to the sky
For the winds to take us high above the plains
I know that we'll find better ways to look into the eye of the storms that will be calling
Forever we'll be falling like the rain...
Monday, April 18, 2011
PostSecret on Mental Illness
This postcard showed up on PostSecret.com on Saturday night... Is this where I went so wrong? That people have been forced to have a relationship with my illness instead of me? Am I my illness? Are we synonymous? I am depression, anxiety, self injury and the insidious eating disorder. It's not surprising that any attempt to have a relationship with me would only result in having to deal with all of my 'others' too. Who wants that? How can someone be expected to break through the disease to find me? Am I even in there? I find my eating disorder personified. Though I don't call it Ed, Eddy, Edith, Ana, or Mia, it is still mine and mine alone. No one else has an ed like mine. My eating disorder talks to me all the time-in my conscious thoughts and my every sleeping moment. On bad days my eating disorder talks through me and it's very words come out of my mouth-aloud... On those days words come out of my own mouth from ME answering my eating disorder... That is the definition of crazy-talking to your 'other self.' I can see how a relationship with me is nothing more than a relationship with my eating disorder. A relationship with my eating disorder leads to a relationship with the anxiety and severe depression that go with. Where am I in all of this? I'm the crazy one talking to my disorder... go figure. Truly, it's no wonder no one wants to be with me, women are difficult enough without getting a damaged and completely psychotic one. However, what another person sees isn't even the half of the reality of me. I still have some ability to hide the worst of it.On another note, I'm at a friend's house tonight. We went out to dinner, I got boneless wings (with celery) and convinced his daughter that I like celery so much that I'm eating it even though I'm not hungry. She asked why I wasn't eating the chicken... I know the truth and you probably do too... That's my eating disorder screaming inside my head. It was a restaurant where nearly everything is deep fried, covered with cheese, or drenched in butter... Makes me want to throw up and not from purging... "I told another lie today and I got through this day no one saw through my games. I know the right words to say like 'I don't feel well' and 'I ate before I came.' Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment, for a moment I feel happy. But when I'm alone no one hears me cry..." I lied to a kid... I ate celery for dinner... After getting a turkey sandwich for lunch and eating half a bite-I didn't like it... I had diet Mt. Dew for breakfast and lunch. Pathetic waste of space. I don't know which voice is stronger, the one screaming at me for being a pathetic waste of space and human emotion or the one disgusted with me for even putting that sandwich to my mouth and swallowing that celery-also calling me a pathetic waste of space... I feel it's the later. My eating disorder hates me more than I do. However, when I don't eat, I have a best friend. I feel strong and beautiful and my disorder agrees. How sick and twisted is that? Better yet, my ed and I will die together-best friends together for life and never apart even in death. how romantic.
So, as much as I hate this postcard, it's because it hits me hard... A relationship with me is nothing more than a relationship with my mental illness... I'm sorry I'm sick. I'm sorry you have to put up with me, it's not fair to you. I'm sorry...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I quit on today
Plain and simple, I quit... I went to work early and stayed late and dealt with too much shit in between. The new scheduling idea is stupid, we work more hours to do the same amount of work... This morning we were taking body weights on rats (they were having food consumption data, mass measurements and clinical signs done in the afternoon). Well, based on weight loss or obviously huge masses 10 needed to be euthanized. A coworker e-mailed the study director for permission. Because I didn't want it getting too late, I e-mailed the study director and asked for the verdict on the rats-he replied "suzy, please take the following rats to necropsy" and gave me the list of 10 animals. Well, I had to finish taking the data on them and then enter their 'death information' (why they were dying and who said it was ok), i had one animal left when the other tech came in and says "those rats are going to necropsy in the morning" um... they can't, i already entered their info! So, she goes and tells necropsy (apparently she'd already told them they were going tomorrow) and when I bring the rats in the lady at necropsy completely freaked out and wanted me to spell my name for her. I told her what happened (that no one told me they were going tomorrow and I wanted to get them to necropsy as early as possible as it's not nice to bring them at the end of the day causing the necropsy techs to stay late) and she just says "that's NOT what Becca said." So, this all went down at 2, they are supposed to work until 4. At 4, one tech was still in necropsy and was starting to clean up... seriously? Anyways, I e-mailed the communication between the study director and myself to my supervisor so she knew what was up when she got the call... I'm so sick of being yelled at for no reason, I was doing my job-why doesn't she do hers??? Everyone has been running behind lately and it's making things hard for all of us. I did several doses by myself today because the other doser didn't get there in time... I worked through lunch and straight though until well after my scheduled hours. Why is it that you bust your ass all day and all anyone can say to you is something to the effect of 'why did you f' this up?' I'm sick of it. I hate work and I hate covance. I can't handle the drama.
Being allowed or even encouraged to skip lunch due to scheduling is really dangerous for me. It's way too easy for me to slip back to restricting-especially when I'm so stressed and upset. Better yet, I come home and eat 14 pancakes (and not small ones) just for the sake of being able to purge. I hate eating, I especially hate binge eating, but, I just want to purge and it's so much better if I ate. All i want to do is purge, I've even purged at work. I know, pathetic. Why can't i just make people happy? I feel completely useless. No one appreciates me, i don't see the point in getting up much less going to work. It's pointless. I hate myself and the more i purge the more pathetic i feel, but if I don't, i can't handle it... The emotional release, the tears, the feeling of accomplishment... I'll never be good enough but maybe i can at least be pretty. If I lose weight and like myself other people will too. I just wish I was doing better at losing-I feel like I'm just getting fatter and uglier.
I haven't slept in at least 3 nights, I'm exhausted and this whole work situation is just so overwhelming. Work is this stress in my life that I can't get away from and I can't make any better.
Why the heck to people have to yell at me for nothing? ugh. I need to quit on today, if I think about it any more I'm just going to end up purging more or worse. maybe quitting is self-preservation.
I hate my life.
Being allowed or even encouraged to skip lunch due to scheduling is really dangerous for me. It's way too easy for me to slip back to restricting-especially when I'm so stressed and upset. Better yet, I come home and eat 14 pancakes (and not small ones) just for the sake of being able to purge. I hate eating, I especially hate binge eating, but, I just want to purge and it's so much better if I ate. All i want to do is purge, I've even purged at work. I know, pathetic. Why can't i just make people happy? I feel completely useless. No one appreciates me, i don't see the point in getting up much less going to work. It's pointless. I hate myself and the more i purge the more pathetic i feel, but if I don't, i can't handle it... The emotional release, the tears, the feeling of accomplishment... I'll never be good enough but maybe i can at least be pretty. If I lose weight and like myself other people will too. I just wish I was doing better at losing-I feel like I'm just getting fatter and uglier.
I haven't slept in at least 3 nights, I'm exhausted and this whole work situation is just so overwhelming. Work is this stress in my life that I can't get away from and I can't make any better.
Why the heck to people have to yell at me for nothing? ugh. I need to quit on today, if I think about it any more I'm just going to end up purging more or worse. maybe quitting is self-preservation.
I hate my life.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Preoccupation with Death
Warning bells should be going off in my head-I know this... I am completely fixated on death, dying, being dead, killing myself, being gone, being invisible, taking a break from feeling so overwhelmed... The list seems endless. I've been preoccupied with how fast the world is passing me by-leaving me somewhere lost in it's frothy wake. At the same time, I fear death. I'm completely terrified of leaving this world never knowing happiness. Death=Nothingness... I want happiness... But do I want an ending to this more than I desire to be happy? I mean, if I feel happiness will the next crash just take me that much further down?
Why do I cry; at the thought of winter being gone? At the thought that March has passed me by? At the fact Sam is getting older? At the sad look on my teddy bear's face-like he knows everything that is wrong in my world? Lame-I know... That's the story of my life-Lame-Completely and utterly a pathetic waste of space.
Let's see. I go to college and only graduate to appease people because i couldn't have cared less... So, I get this degree that is supposed to open all these doors and I work some stupid, mindless job with no hope of going anywhere except into another room of rats. Why did I go to college? I could have done this job as a high school drop-out. Ok, maybe they wouldn't have hired me, but that's the intelligence level required. I can't imagine a less mentally stimulating job... For the love of God, if a rat rips it's toe-nail off, I can't call the red stuff coming out 'blood' because I don't KNOW it's blood, it's just some random red-discharge coming from it's toe... are you effing kidding me??? So college was a waste of time, energy, and life. I am by far the least successful in my family. I can't get a good job, I can't go to graduate school, I can't do anything right. I'm stupid, unsuccessful, ugly, fat and completely useless. Yes, I hate myself and where I am and where I'm supposedly going. I take up space in this world-valuable space that could belong to someone worthy of being here, who wants to be here, who desires life and all it's false promises. Me? I've had enough.
Am I in a bad place? one could say 'hell yeah' or I could just say it's where I spend most of my days... Ever wonder why I so desperately sought an out from this place? My only question from all that seeking is why didn't I get out? Why am I here? No one can give me a good answer. I said earlier I want happiness... I really just want it to be over. I know I want to be happy, but, it's not possible. That's like wishing for fairies. It's stupid and is nothing but false dreams...
Why do I cry; at the thought of winter being gone? At the thought that March has passed me by? At the fact Sam is getting older? At the sad look on my teddy bear's face-like he knows everything that is wrong in my world? Lame-I know... That's the story of my life-Lame-Completely and utterly a pathetic waste of space.
Let's see. I go to college and only graduate to appease people because i couldn't have cared less... So, I get this degree that is supposed to open all these doors and I work some stupid, mindless job with no hope of going anywhere except into another room of rats. Why did I go to college? I could have done this job as a high school drop-out. Ok, maybe they wouldn't have hired me, but that's the intelligence level required. I can't imagine a less mentally stimulating job... For the love of God, if a rat rips it's toe-nail off, I can't call the red stuff coming out 'blood' because I don't KNOW it's blood, it's just some random red-discharge coming from it's toe... are you effing kidding me??? So college was a waste of time, energy, and life. I am by far the least successful in my family. I can't get a good job, I can't go to graduate school, I can't do anything right. I'm stupid, unsuccessful, ugly, fat and completely useless. Yes, I hate myself and where I am and where I'm supposedly going. I take up space in this world-valuable space that could belong to someone worthy of being here, who wants to be here, who desires life and all it's false promises. Me? I've had enough.
Am I in a bad place? one could say 'hell yeah' or I could just say it's where I spend most of my days... Ever wonder why I so desperately sought an out from this place? My only question from all that seeking is why didn't I get out? Why am I here? No one can give me a good answer. I said earlier I want happiness... I really just want it to be over. I know I want to be happy, but, it's not possible. That's like wishing for fairies. It's stupid and is nothing but false dreams...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
More songs
Dashboard Confessional-The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
This is really a pretty simplistic song. Accompanied by guitar it is quieter and almost reflective. It talks about the happy exterior and how inside you're just dying, but nobody knows... Then, eventually you just can't anymore and the fear of having the truth exposed... It's a painful song, no doubt. Is anything on this list happy???
Garbage-Bleed Like Me
This is a very graphic song about both anorexia and self-injury. It puts words in my mouth after I put them there already. It says things I've said or tried to say before. "She starves herself to rid herself of sin" "the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin" "________ takes Dad's scissors to her skin and when she does relief comes setting in." These are direct and really unnerving phrases. The song also talks about alcoholism which is somewhere I don't really find myself much anymore, though, at times I've wondered... And it discusses someone questioning their sexuality which is not an issue for me.
Superchic-Hero
Superchic is a Christian group that leaves God out of most of their music, I absolutely love them and the emotional messages they give. This stanza says it all to me and is the reason this is on the list. I don't think I even need to explain:
"No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice"
Death Cab For Cutie-Bixby Canyon Bridge
I've heard this song interpreted many ways, but I can never get this image of a person going to the place his best friend died after jumping from the bridge. He waits, hoping or praying that the soul of his friend will speak to him, but it never happens. Listen to it, hear it as you may, but know this song strikes me as a raw and honest song about the suicide of a friend.
Breaking Benjamin-Here We Are
This is a song about suicide, I don't think I should go further in or someone will get the wrong idea...
Tori Amos-Me and a Gun
If you have never heard this song... Hold your teddy tight and listen to the excruciating emotions Tori poured into this song. She talks about the fear of returning home-that her rapist will find her and be there. She also talks about singing while being assaulted-he told her to... and the things that go through your head. From experience, these "things" are a mechanism to block the truth from your memory. I often though of grocery shopping, my gymnastics routines, or even jumping in puddles-spring-flowers. She asks if her choice in clothes gave them the right to her and if it means other men can do the same. How she only survived because the man needed more drugs... Her voice is haunting, the words scar my soul, and the message resonates so loudly in my head I can't turn her off.
This is really a pretty simplistic song. Accompanied by guitar it is quieter and almost reflective. It talks about the happy exterior and how inside you're just dying, but nobody knows... Then, eventually you just can't anymore and the fear of having the truth exposed... It's a painful song, no doubt. Is anything on this list happy???
Garbage-Bleed Like Me
This is a very graphic song about both anorexia and self-injury. It puts words in my mouth after I put them there already. It says things I've said or tried to say before. "She starves herself to rid herself of sin" "the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin" "________ takes Dad's scissors to her skin and when she does relief comes setting in." These are direct and really unnerving phrases. The song also talks about alcoholism which is somewhere I don't really find myself much anymore, though, at times I've wondered... And it discusses someone questioning their sexuality which is not an issue for me.
Superchic-Hero
Superchic is a Christian group that leaves God out of most of their music, I absolutely love them and the emotional messages they give. This stanza says it all to me and is the reason this is on the list. I don't think I even need to explain:
"No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice"
Death Cab For Cutie-Bixby Canyon Bridge
I've heard this song interpreted many ways, but I can never get this image of a person going to the place his best friend died after jumping from the bridge. He waits, hoping or praying that the soul of his friend will speak to him, but it never happens. Listen to it, hear it as you may, but know this song strikes me as a raw and honest song about the suicide of a friend.
Breaking Benjamin-Here We Are
This is a song about suicide, I don't think I should go further in or someone will get the wrong idea...
Tori Amos-Me and a Gun
If you have never heard this song... Hold your teddy tight and listen to the excruciating emotions Tori poured into this song. She talks about the fear of returning home-that her rapist will find her and be there. She also talks about singing while being assaulted-he told her to... and the things that go through your head. From experience, these "things" are a mechanism to block the truth from your memory. I often though of grocery shopping, my gymnastics routines, or even jumping in puddles-spring-flowers. She asks if her choice in clothes gave them the right to her and if it means other men can do the same. How she only survived because the man needed more drugs... Her voice is haunting, the words scar my soul, and the message resonates so loudly in my head I can't turn her off.
What Possesses a Man?
I feel an obligation to discuss sexual assault on some level. I don't know where this is going yet, but I sit here a need in my heart to not always be silent about this.
How the version of rape differs between men and women. Obviously these are not the men perpetrating the exact crimes that the women are responding about, but they are men and women who have been engaged in sexual assault with the men as the perpetrators.
Characteristic of Rape/Man's Version/Woman's Version
More than one attacker/16%/5%
Rapist hit victim/3%/9%
Woman took drugs or drank/75%/55%
Type of contact before/Below Waist/Above Waist
Amount of force man used/Mild to none/Moderate
Woman verbally told man to stop/36%/84%
Woman physically struggled/12%/70%
Event was definitely rape/1%/27%
The numbers I highlighted in red appall me. Men do not listen and they don't perceive physical and verbal resistance as real. It's not a joke, it's not a game, and it's not playing into some role-playing fantasy of yours.
These are from surveys done of undergraduate men in various East-Coast universities (714 students) The percentage indicates the percentage of students answering a 4 or 5 on a scale of 1-5 with 1 meaning strongly disagree, 2 meaning slightly disagree, 3 meaning neither agree nor disagree, 4 meaning slightly agree and 5 meaning strongly agree.
Statement/Percentage answering 4 or 5
I prefer relatively small women. 93.7%
I like to dominate a woman. 91.3%
I enjoy the conquest part of sex. 86.1%
Some women look like they're just asking to be raped. 83.5%
I get excited when a woman struggles over sex. 63.5%
It would be exciting to use force to subdue a woman. 61.7%
Have you ever looked at how men talk about sex with women and how they treat them as possessions?
"I could teach her a thing or two"
"I hope I score tonight"
"I could really put it to her"
or treat them as commodities...
"I bet I could get her if I tried."
"She was the best piece of ass I ever had"
"How would you like a piece of that?"
The list goes on and on... Men who view sex as something they get from a woman are already bordering on rape...
What about universities involved in fraternity gang rape situations? These are older events
Now, what about a couple of college athletic teams coming to light over similar situations?
Allegations of sexual misconduct do not end here... The reports of sexual assault by other athletes and sexual misconduct by organizations (University of Wisconsin Marching Band???) go on forever. These events negatively impact the lives of the affected women for the rest of their lives.
Once you take gang-rape or group assault out of the picture, the list gets exponentially longer-of women abused and raped one-on-one by men.
This is getting way too lengthy, but one more truly disturbing chart of results...
Men=% of men agreeing that it's ok to force sex in the situation
Women=% of women agreeing they deserve to have sex forced on them in the situation
Situation--Men--Women
-She is going to have sex with him --54%--31%
but changes her mind
-She has led him on --54% --26%
-She gets him sexually aroused --51%-- 42%
-They have dated for over 6 months --43% --32%
-She lets him touch her breasts already --39%-- 28%
42% of women think it's ok for a man to force them to have sex just because he got it up??? This number is revolting to me. I was once there, maybe I still am... I mean, doesn't it hurt a guy to not have sex once he's sexually aroused? I'm sad that such a large number of women believe this too... Women-It's not ok, it's never ok, I don't care if you've already started having sex with him, if you want to stop, it's over and done-no more... I know I struggle to say no, but at least I don't believe a man needs to have sex anymore...
Anyways, enough of this today, it's emotionally draining and has undoubtedly brought me down. It's ok though, sometimes things need to be said and I have an obligation to do so.
How the version of rape differs between men and women. Obviously these are not the men perpetrating the exact crimes that the women are responding about, but they are men and women who have been engaged in sexual assault with the men as the perpetrators.
Characteristic of Rape/Man's Version/Woman's Version
More than one attacker/16%/5%
Rapist hit victim/3%/9%
Woman took drugs or drank/75%/55%
Type of contact before/Below Waist/Above Waist
Amount of force man used/Mild to none/Moderate
Woman verbally told man to stop/36%/84%
Woman physically struggled/12%/70%
Event was definitely rape/1%/27%
The numbers I highlighted in red appall me. Men do not listen and they don't perceive physical and verbal resistance as real. It's not a joke, it's not a game, and it's not playing into some role-playing fantasy of yours.
These are from surveys done of undergraduate men in various East-Coast universities (714 students) The percentage indicates the percentage of students answering a 4 or 5 on a scale of 1-5 with 1 meaning strongly disagree, 2 meaning slightly disagree, 3 meaning neither agree nor disagree, 4 meaning slightly agree and 5 meaning strongly agree.
Statement/Percentage answering 4 or 5
I prefer relatively small women. 93.7%
I like to dominate a woman. 91.3%
I enjoy the conquest part of sex. 86.1%
Some women look like they're just asking to be raped. 83.5%
I get excited when a woman struggles over sex. 63.5%
It would be exciting to use force to subdue a woman. 61.7%
Have you ever looked at how men talk about sex with women and how they treat them as possessions?
"I could teach her a thing or two"
"I hope I score tonight"
"I could really put it to her"
or treat them as commodities...
"I bet I could get her if I tried."
"She was the best piece of ass I ever had"
"How would you like a piece of that?"
The list goes on and on... Men who view sex as something they get from a woman are already bordering on rape...
What about universities involved in fraternity gang rape situations? These are older events
- San Diego State University1985-At least 3 Pi Kappa Alpha members were accused of raping an 18 yr old Delta Gamma pledge at a party. The local DA said there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute despite the university charging 30 members for violation of the school's conduct policy after interviewing 45 individuals at the party.
- University of Florida 1983-Six Pi Lambda Phi members were accused of raping a freshman girl who was at the house for a "Little Sisters" rush event.
- University of Pennsylvania 1983-Nine Alpha Tau Omega were accused of raping a 22 yr old woman who was drunk and on LSD. No criminal charges were filed.
- University of Iowa-Three frat members pleaded guilty to assault causing great bodily injury to a 20 yr old woman in her dorm room.
- University of New Hampshire-Three sophomore boys (2 frat members) raped a drunk female in her dorm room. The university judicial board found all three not guilty of sexual assault, but two guilty of "disrespect to others" (whatever the fuck that means?) but a criminal court found two of the men guilty of sexual assault--60 days in jail and 120 hours community service.
- Franklin and Marshall College-Six member of Phi Sigma Kappa were accused of assaulting a woman from another university in their house during a party. The fraternity was removed from the university following this event.
- University of Virginia-a 17 yr old freshman became heavily intoxicated at a frat party and reports being restrained, stripped and raped by several men. She refused to press charges out of fear she would be disbelieved because she was drunk.
Now, what about a couple of college athletic teams coming to light over similar situations?
- University of Minnesota-Three basketball players were accused of raping a woman in a hotel in Madison following a victory. All 3 were acquitted of 12 counts of sexual assault, but all three were dismissed from the team following the allegations.
- West Virginia University-Five Basketball players were accused of raping a woman in her dorm room. No formal charges were filed but 2 were suspended for the season and 3 for one semester.
- Duquesne University-Four basketball players are charged with raping a woman in their dorm room. Charges were dropped against 3 of them and the 4th was acquitted. Two of the men were expelled from school and two were suspended.
Allegations of sexual misconduct do not end here... The reports of sexual assault by other athletes and sexual misconduct by organizations (University of Wisconsin Marching Band???) go on forever. These events negatively impact the lives of the affected women for the rest of their lives.
Once you take gang-rape or group assault out of the picture, the list gets exponentially longer-of women abused and raped one-on-one by men.
This is getting way too lengthy, but one more truly disturbing chart of results...
Men=% of men agreeing that it's ok to force sex in the situation
Women=% of women agreeing they deserve to have sex forced on them in the situation
Situation--Men--Women
-She is going to have sex with him --54%--31%
but changes her mind
-She has led him on --54% --26%
-She gets him sexually aroused --51%-- 42%
-They have dated for over 6 months --43% --32%
-She lets him touch her breasts already --39%-- 28%
42% of women think it's ok for a man to force them to have sex just because he got it up??? This number is revolting to me. I was once there, maybe I still am... I mean, doesn't it hurt a guy to not have sex once he's sexually aroused? I'm sad that such a large number of women believe this too... Women-It's not ok, it's never ok, I don't care if you've already started having sex with him, if you want to stop, it's over and done-no more... I know I struggle to say no, but at least I don't believe a man needs to have sex anymore...
Anyways, enough of this today, it's emotionally draining and has undoubtedly brought me down. It's ok though, sometimes things need to be said and I have an obligation to do so.
Behavioral Triggers
I was asked years ago by a T to identify things that trigger my behaviors or trigger memories/flashbacks.
Touching or threatening to touch my throat
Eating in front of me
Eating loudly
Grabbing me from behind
Startling me
Holding me down
Being forced to eat
grabbing my ankles or wrists
yelling
Staring at me-I assume you're thinking I'm disgusting, why else would you stare?
Seeing thin and beautiful girls
Failure
Stress
anxiety
touching my scars
weighing myself
eating
icecream, brownies, cookies, cupcakes etc... I will binge and I will purge...
seeing fat people
seeing fat people eat.......
Touching or threatening to touch my throat
Eating in front of me
Eating loudly
Grabbing me from behind
Startling me
Holding me down
Being forced to eat
grabbing my ankles or wrists
yelling
Staring at me-I assume you're thinking I'm disgusting, why else would you stare?
Seeing thin and beautiful girls
Failure
Stress
anxiety
touching my scars
weighing myself
eating
icecream, brownies, cookies, cupcakes etc... I will binge and I will purge...
seeing fat people
seeing fat people eat.......
Damaged
Plumb-Damaged
Lyrics are needed to help me with this song...
"Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know"
I've never known love and don't believe I ever will. Love is something that happens to others. Nobody wants to love a damaged good which is all I am. There are so many intact women out there to love, why would someone pick out the girl on the "defective-returns" shelf.
"I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me"
I am all of this. Scared, alone and ashamed. The isolation that AY sequestered me into has stood up to the years. 5 years later, I am still isolated from the rest of the people because it's easier to cope... People often say "I wish I could take it back," AY can never "take back" what he took from me. It's gone. My trust, my self respect, my belief that others are inherently good, my desire for intimacy, my comfort around others, my desire to live, and so much more... I feel AY all the time, he haunts my dreams and my days. I have lived in constant fear and anxiety since I left. I fear he will come to my apartment and hurt me-he knows where I live. I never said everything I needed to say-if I had, he would have stopped. If I had said it right, he would be in jail. If I was a strong woman, none of this would even be an issue. It would have been over and done so fast-AY's life would have been over as he knew it, and I would have moved on. Instead, I didn't say or do the right things, and 21 months later I was the one left without a life or a future and AY has continued his life as planned.
"Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know"
I don't know healing-why should I 'heal' myself just to be an assault victim anyways. I'm damaged, no one should get close to me. I'm disgusting, dirty-filthy, violated, and thrown out. Who would want to love someone who has already been loved out and thrown away? Sounds like someone who is awfully desperate is the only one who would even try. I belonged to someone else first, but, unlike a discarded teddy-bear, you can't throw me in the wash and I'll come out good as new, I'm dirty inside and out and nothing will ever change that. You can't repair what was done.
"There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back"
I was recently asked if I had forgiven AY. The answer is yes. Have I forgiven myself? No. This is the final verse and it's a verse I haven't gotten myself to. I have not found mending for my soul or any semblance of an ending to this fear. I live in fear... I have forgiven AY... I was just a little girl; a sad, desperate, weak, and scared girl. I can't go back, but god how I wish I could... I wish I could take back my every action during those nearly 2 years. At the same time, I don't... What was done to me will always remind me of the stupid weak girl I was, and, in most ways, still am. If AY hadn't done this to me, some other man would have. I only wish AY had taken my life. Is it sick that thought goes through my mind whenever I find myself alone with a man? It's like a silent prayer "if you're going to assault me, please kill me too as I can't live through it again." That is a warped mind...
Lyrics are needed to help me with this song...
"Dreaming comes so easily
'cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know"
I've never known love and don't believe I ever will. Love is something that happens to others. Nobody wants to love a damaged good which is all I am. There are so many intact women out there to love, why would someone pick out the girl on the "defective-returns" shelf.
"I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me"
I am all of this. Scared, alone and ashamed. The isolation that AY sequestered me into has stood up to the years. 5 years later, I am still isolated from the rest of the people because it's easier to cope... People often say "I wish I could take it back," AY can never "take back" what he took from me. It's gone. My trust, my self respect, my belief that others are inherently good, my desire for intimacy, my comfort around others, my desire to live, and so much more... I feel AY all the time, he haunts my dreams and my days. I have lived in constant fear and anxiety since I left. I fear he will come to my apartment and hurt me-he knows where I live. I never said everything I needed to say-if I had, he would have stopped. If I had said it right, he would be in jail. If I was a strong woman, none of this would even be an issue. It would have been over and done so fast-AY's life would have been over as he knew it, and I would have moved on. Instead, I didn't say or do the right things, and 21 months later I was the one left without a life or a future and AY has continued his life as planned.
"Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know"
I don't know healing-why should I 'heal' myself just to be an assault victim anyways. I'm damaged, no one should get close to me. I'm disgusting, dirty-filthy, violated, and thrown out. Who would want to love someone who has already been loved out and thrown away? Sounds like someone who is awfully desperate is the only one who would even try. I belonged to someone else first, but, unlike a discarded teddy-bear, you can't throw me in the wash and I'll come out good as new, I'm dirty inside and out and nothing will ever change that. You can't repair what was done.
"There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back"
I was recently asked if I had forgiven AY. The answer is yes. Have I forgiven myself? No. This is the final verse and it's a verse I haven't gotten myself to. I have not found mending for my soul or any semblance of an ending to this fear. I live in fear... I have forgiven AY... I was just a little girl; a sad, desperate, weak, and scared girl. I can't go back, but god how I wish I could... I wish I could take back my every action during those nearly 2 years. At the same time, I don't... What was done to me will always remind me of the stupid weak girl I was, and, in most ways, still am. If AY hadn't done this to me, some other man would have. I only wish AY had taken my life. Is it sick that thought goes through my mind whenever I find myself alone with a man? It's like a silent prayer "if you're going to assault me, please kill me too as I can't live through it again." That is a warped mind...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Children Assaulting Children
This news article haunts me. This toddler may never know what happened, I'm not sure I believe a single event that occurs at this age scars a child for life.
I constantly ask what possesses a man to sexually assault a woman, to think that kind of contact, control, and abuse are acceptable. When a 7 and 9 year old decide to have sexual contact with a 2 year old girl, there is something so drastically wrong with their heads I can't wrap my own around it. I will admit naivety, but, I'm not sure I knew what sex was when I was 9 years old. If I did, there was no part of me that thought having sex with a baby was a good idea... Where is the teaching of proper and age-appropriate play? I don't feel, at this time, that this should be classified as rape. I believe rape is a conscious choice to hurt and demean another person while exhibiting sexual power over him/her and I hope these two children were NOT acting on power and control... That said, this story is not about simply touching a girl. That is not uncommon among children-I forget the number or where it was from, but over half of children have touched themselves or others sexually before the age of 10. This is not in some pedophilic or sexual behavior, it's curiosity. Yes, it's taught to be inappropriate-and it is, but it's fairly harmless and common behavior. Such normal childhood behavior would not have landed these children in treatment based fostercare... What were these two young boys exposed to that put this idea in their head? Beyond the idea, they knew it was wrong. When questioned by authorities, both denied doing it each implicating the other boy. To lie in a situation like this shows the boys knew their actions were wrong-though, perhaps not how wrong... I feel pain for these boys, whatever they saw in their young lives to give them the idea to sexually assualt a baby horrifies me. One lives with his mother, the other with his grandmother-I am disgusted by these people who have clearly failed to teach these children right from wrong and how to treat other human beings...
However, stories like these make me wonder how many men who abuse women were exposed to this as young children. It's not an excuse-there comes a point where people are responsible for their actions and reactions regardless of how they were raised. It still raises the question of the culpability of the parents in situations where a teen or young adult abuses another person... What role did their upbringing play?
There have been numerous times I've wondered about what AY saw and was exposed to as a child. I know his dad divorced his mom when he was 10 and his dad moved to China. I really know nothing else. He never really spoke of it-the one time he did he was crying (rare display of emotion). It must not have been pretty. His step dad was very controlling of him and his mom and was certainly not a positive influence in his life. I want to know if these past man-woman relationships in his life warped him so badly that they pushed him to be the abuser that he was?
The childhood that AY didn't cause him to do the things he did to me, but one has to wonder the influence they had on him and his view of treating women.
This is just one set of events in AY's life that I wonder about. JN has a set that is entirely his own.
Anyways, about the article. I hope the guardians are punished for the behaviors of their children. I will be utterly appalled if they are let off in a case where they clearly were exposing these young boys to ferociously inappropriate behavior. If 7 and 9 year olds can conceive the idea of rape, how do you think these same boys will view women and sex as teens and adults? It is no wonder that some men do not show respect toward women-they are raised believing girls are just objects that they can do unto as they please.
I constantly ask what possesses a man to sexually assault a woman, to think that kind of contact, control, and abuse are acceptable. When a 7 and 9 year old decide to have sexual contact with a 2 year old girl, there is something so drastically wrong with their heads I can't wrap my own around it. I will admit naivety, but, I'm not sure I knew what sex was when I was 9 years old. If I did, there was no part of me that thought having sex with a baby was a good idea... Where is the teaching of proper and age-appropriate play? I don't feel, at this time, that this should be classified as rape. I believe rape is a conscious choice to hurt and demean another person while exhibiting sexual power over him/her and I hope these two children were NOT acting on power and control... That said, this story is not about simply touching a girl. That is not uncommon among children-I forget the number or where it was from, but over half of children have touched themselves or others sexually before the age of 10. This is not in some pedophilic or sexual behavior, it's curiosity. Yes, it's taught to be inappropriate-and it is, but it's fairly harmless and common behavior. Such normal childhood behavior would not have landed these children in treatment based fostercare... What were these two young boys exposed to that put this idea in their head? Beyond the idea, they knew it was wrong. When questioned by authorities, both denied doing it each implicating the other boy. To lie in a situation like this shows the boys knew their actions were wrong-though, perhaps not how wrong... I feel pain for these boys, whatever they saw in their young lives to give them the idea to sexually assualt a baby horrifies me. One lives with his mother, the other with his grandmother-I am disgusted by these people who have clearly failed to teach these children right from wrong and how to treat other human beings...
However, stories like these make me wonder how many men who abuse women were exposed to this as young children. It's not an excuse-there comes a point where people are responsible for their actions and reactions regardless of how they were raised. It still raises the question of the culpability of the parents in situations where a teen or young adult abuses another person... What role did their upbringing play?
There have been numerous times I've wondered about what AY saw and was exposed to as a child. I know his dad divorced his mom when he was 10 and his dad moved to China. I really know nothing else. He never really spoke of it-the one time he did he was crying (rare display of emotion). It must not have been pretty. His step dad was very controlling of him and his mom and was certainly not a positive influence in his life. I want to know if these past man-woman relationships in his life warped him so badly that they pushed him to be the abuser that he was?
The childhood that AY didn't cause him to do the things he did to me, but one has to wonder the influence they had on him and his view of treating women.
This is just one set of events in AY's life that I wonder about. JN has a set that is entirely his own.
Anyways, about the article. I hope the guardians are punished for the behaviors of their children. I will be utterly appalled if they are let off in a case where they clearly were exposing these young boys to ferociously inappropriate behavior. If 7 and 9 year olds can conceive the idea of rape, how do you think these same boys will view women and sex as teens and adults? It is no wonder that some men do not show respect toward women-they are raised believing girls are just objects that they can do unto as they please.
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