I can't quit on myself, B won't let me. I drank myself past any acceptable place last night, it wasn't that i drank that much, but, I know I drank it pretty fast. I really don't remember it. I hurt myself both physically and emotionally, and, worse, I hurt the one person who gives a ** about me in this world. There are many things I do that I know are wrong and I shouldn't do, but for others to not only know about them, but to see... I don't know what is known or was seen last night, I'm disgusted with myself. I know I said things last night I wish I hadn't. B worries about me a lot already, I know this, but to add whatever I said. Though, I've always believed you never say anything drunk that you don't think about sober. They call it 'truth serum' for a reason. I still wish I knew what I said. It has been a very very long time since I've been like that. I know I cried though I don't know why. I feel so low, that I hurt someone to the point they can't or won't talk about it to me.
I remember telling B one time that talking is ameliorative. Might be the only time B had to stop and think about what a word meant. My vocabulary is much larger than I tend to use on a daily basis. Writing (talking) is restorative and therapeutic; it's ameliorative. It organizes your thoughts and feelings and gives you a concrete way to move past them. Once they are spoken or written, they are in the past, they're gone, and it's done. The mind doesn't move on like that, the mind still can't let go, but they world has. The world has long forgotten about yesterday so why do I insist on holding on so strongly to that which has already been cast away?
I found myself in a bad place during my year living in DP. I drank a lot, took sleeping meds all day long to keep myself drugged out of any level of awareness or at least caring, cut and burned myself often and would often go days without eating. Many who know me think DP was probably the lowest time for me, maybe if you include the last 5 months of college everyone would agree... I look back on that year and wonder what is so different now. On the whole, I don't drink any more, that is a good thing. I still drug myself out when not at work (oh, I have a job, that must make SP a better time for me), I cut (maybe less, but the desires are still there) and burn, purge nearly daily, and still go frequent stretches without eating. Since DP I've gotten a job... Otherwise I've wasted 2 more years that I've still been sick and have put 2 more years worth of ED damage onto myself. My throat hurts just to swallow, you can imagine what eating is like, my whole chest hurts-aches really when I breathe, and the reflux (presumably from damaging the end of my esophagus by purging so much) burns so badly I often can't sleep. When you have to purge every last drop of liquid from your stomach in order to reduce the reflux you should know there is a problem. Ok, I know, but I don't seem to care.
I made a comment last night about my fat butt. B told me I have a very warped mind. Sometimes I get weak and let ED slip through and do the talking. ED hates me right now, he knows how fat and ugly I am, and worse yet, how enormous I will look in my bridesmaid dress in May. ED is screaming at me to quit being weak and to lose weight so I can be pretty. It seems ED has been loud enough to have his words spoken by my voice lately. Again, things I never meant for others to know or to hear. Hearing the voices inside my head must be incredibly disturbing for others. Knowing what I hear all day and all night though... It's no wonder I think I'm crazy. I have some crazy guy, conveniently called ED, berating me 24 hours a day. That's the worst part of an imaginary (abusive) friend-they never sleep. When i sleep and escape ED, haunting memories of AY are there to torture me. If you think ED is the abuser, you've never met AY. Some days I don't know if being awake or being asleep is better, to pick between those two choices is distressing. It's that krieg that has driven me over the edge numerous times, that battle in my head has almost ended my life more than once.
All I want is some moments of pure tranquility. The last true moments of peace I recall were when I was sitting on a beach on Lake Superior. I hardly remember that day-it was as if I were in another world, yet I can recall so many details. I sat in complete silence for over 10 hours that day, tranced by the sound of the waves on the rocky shore. Waves sound more soothing on a rocky beach than on fine sand-hearing the rocks tumbling over each other under the water adds to the serenity. The North Shore of Lake Superior has been my secret hideaway for many years. The beauty and power of that lake never gets old. As much as I love that place, an unplanned trip would likely be some last desperate attempt to save myself. I can think of nothing else that would drag me on a 7 hour journey to the middle of nowhere. I remember my last trip, the 10 hour day on the beach... I took nothing along that i could hurt myself with. I took just 2 of all of my drugs, enough for the two days I figured I'd be there, no razors, no pens/pencils/safety pins/paper clips or anything else sharp, metal or that I had tried using before to hurt myself. I wasn't going to die there on that trip-I made sure of it. While it's not an overly active thought right now, it'd be a beautiful place to let go-black thought of the day...
After last night, I went to work at 5, got done what was needed, went home "sick" the rest of the morning, maybe mentally sick, not physically, and am going back shortly for an afternoon event. I'm not sure why I agreed to go back, but, it'll be good to get my mind off life. Maybe my favorite rat won't be so pissy today because yesterday, he tried to bite me three separate times... no more extra peanuts for him :(
Peace and love-I hope I can find them too...
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