Black is not a feeling

One day in therapy (a long time ago now) I was asked how I was feeling. I said black. We spent the next 45 minutes discussing how 'black' is not a feeling, it is a description of a feeling. I still dwell on and loathe that conversation. Fat and ugly and ginormous are not feelings either... but that's another day. I feel black, or very close to it-the darkest shade of gray you can imagine. Indifferent about life, or so it seems. I feel every moment is just dragging me down further. I once wrote (and the letter has been lost) that depression is like sliding down a muddy slope, once you start it's nearly impossible to stop-you have to kick your feet in with everything you have, hoping against hope that there is a hidden foothold somewhere in there to slow you enough to catch your balance again. I feel like I've rolled over, I don't even care if I get a foot into the hill or not, in fact, it seems like I'm trying to avoid it... Being happy is too hard, it's easier to quit. Probably means I wasn't happy in the first place.

Back to feeling black. What does it mean? I feel hopeless, worthless, betrayed, apprehensive, unwanted, afraid, fat, and pure and unadulterated guilt. I suppose I either have to delve into these and explain or this is another pointless exercise.

Worthless. I have been used and abused then kicked to the curb on more than one occasion. Who on earth wants someone with even half the emotional baggage I possess? I sold myself in college, I hated myself so much I probably would have done it for free-I came close enough. I was hit, kicked and forced sexually by my 'boyfriend,' (AY) I was forced to sleep with AY's male friends. I did drugs-hard drugs, I drank, I cut and burned myself.

Betrayed. AY took the trust I had in the goodness of all people and destroyed it. AY did things to me that aren't done in prison without the slightest remorse. Never once did he ask me if I was ok, and to this day he has neither apologized nor admitted he was wrong. The man-JN who 'rescued' me from AY (as he so often reminded me-he was my rescuer) wasn't much better. I was emotionally gone and obviously vulnerable... It started ok, he seemed to care and doted on me. Held me through the worst of the nightmares... Then he slept with me because he deserved it and I owed him for getting me away from AY. This went on for over a year before he went to jail for abusing a teenage girl. maybe that goes in the worthless category-sleeping with a child molester after I knew he was guilty.

Unwanted. I can't even get the time of day from most people much less some forced invitation for a 'date.' No one has so much as pretended to be interested in me in ~4 years. Reread 'worthless.' I'm unwanted because I deserve to be unwanted.

Apprehensive. I am constantly on edge, have irrational fears, and am often borderline neurotic. Most people don't see this side of me, it goes on in my head. I guess I'm good at putting on an act... I live in the same city as both AY and JN, AY knows I'm here and knows my address-I don't know how. I fear he will break into my apartment and be waiting for me, or come in the night when I'm asleep. Rightly or wrongly, I fear he will follow through on threats against me and my family still. It will be 5 years in May and I still worry he is unstable enough and angry enough to come after me. I worry about work-whether I'll continue to have a job and whether or not I can put up with the politics and teenage drama there. I worry about hurting the people I love. I worry whether or not those same people love me back... I worry about AY and JN and whether they're hurting other women. I worry about a very dear friend nearly every minute. I worry about how what I say and do every minute might affect someone or offend them...

Afraid. see above. I'm scared of so many things. I startle and flinch, I have flashbacks, panic attacks, and prefer to avoid the world. I avoid pain, I hate it...

Fat/Ugly. Without knowing me, you won't understand. I have a warped perception of myself. I see fat and I can feel it. It's there. My perception isn't warped, by the way, someone told me that. He'd probably tell me i was pretty if I hadn't showered in a month and was wearing some dirty sheet... No wonder I don't believe him when he says my perception is wrong. If I was pretty, someone would pay real attention to me, not just because they have to.

Pure and unadulterated guilt. I have wasted my life, I have hurt the ones I love and, worse yet, the ones who actually loved me back. This one is the hard one, I feel so much guilt for the things I do and don't do every day but the big things overwhelm me. I owe a lot of apologies that I have refused to give and I need to forgive numerous people still in my life. That needs to be another day.

I'm sure there is so much more leading to this horribly dark place I feel I am in. But, this is wearing me out... Don't have the energy to continue tonight.