Everything in this life is a lesson...

Everything in this life is a lesson, or else it is beautiful.

Aren't we supposed to learn from lessons? There has not been a lesson in this life that I haven't needed repeated.

Just tonight, I get a call from AY. I answered... I feel defeated; I just gave in to him again. Do I want, so desperately, the reason he abused me that I will destroy any little shards of life I have regained just to know? The sad truth is, I will. If he promised to tell me the reason, I'd let him end my life. I just need to know. What possesses an individual to rape another, to put a pillow over her face so his roommate cannot hear or perhaps, so he didn't have to see my face. What possesses an individual to hit another across the face for showing up 5 minutes late for our "sex date"? What was it about me that told him I would never tell? How did I come off so weak that he knew I would comply? What sets a girl up for an abusive relationship? What kind of a girl tolerates the abusive behavior?

I came back from GB one evening determined to understand why I had been raped, not once, but over and over (I have a number, there is just no point to posting it). I needed to understand why he would hit me until I was silent, until I performed any sexual act he desired. I needed to know that it wasn't my fault. But, it was and is. I know this. That evening I picked AY up from his apartment after dark, he told me to drive to the lake side of Lot 60. I parked and we walked down lakeshore to a place where there was some sand along the water, a ways off the path. At that moment, I wondered whether he planned to rape or kill me, I was ready for either, but I hoped he would end it, end the pain and the memories forever. As I said above, if he gives me the answer, it can be over and I'd be ok with it. He spent the next 3 hours telling me that I brought it on myself, that by continuing the relationship I showed him it was ok. He denied ever hitting me and told me I was a liar. He also denied forcing me to have sex or perform sexual acts. He said that someone must have put these ideas in my head. I sat there in silence, unable to say a word. Some truly heinous things were said that night, when I felt he was done, I stood up and he followed me back to my car. I dropped him off at his apartment and am not sure what happened after. There was another time I searched for answers. It was just over a year ago when I met him at his apartment and ended up falling asleep (spending the night). Again, I wanted the answer as to why. What happened that night I don't wish to even mention, but the answer was never given. I left the following morning hurt, betrayed, and with a renewed sense of self-hatred I hadn't felt in years. I have put my very life on the line for this answer. I don't understand my need to know, but, at the same time, I do. I need to know in order to change who I am so I can prevent another man from doing the same. I need to know what I did so wrong that made me deserve what he did. I need to know what I could have done to stop him. I need to know what role I played in allowing the abuse to continue. I just need to know.

This is the same man who I fear living in the same city as, the man who calls me leaving messages that only say my address and apt. #. This man who terrorizes my dreams and my days is the same one I want to fall on my knees begging for answers in front of. This is the man who I still answer when he sends me messages... The very same man who destroyed the fragile yet rewarding life that I once had. The man who destroyed my everything is the man who I can't let go of.

What have I done to deserve this prison?