The List of Songs

I guess I need to start somewhere on this list of songs. The first 3 are fairly similar and were the first three that popped in my head. Apparently my mind is wrapped up in the battle of wanting, needing to cut myself and my conscience trying to stop it.

Plumb-Cut
I wish I could find her actual music video, it's so powerful. My scars define me, they define my every move-what I wear, who I go out with... Many have faded, there are new ones too. Some will never leave. I feel, if I show any of my scars that people just stare. They can't look me in the eye, look at who I really am as a person, they can't get past the scars... People have this preconceived idea of the attention-seeking nature of self injury. I don't want to be judged, please. I don't want attention, and, if I did, I wouldn't wear long-sleeves and pants when it's 95 degrees out to cover the scars. On another note, this song talks about tears of pain, not of sadness. I am not sad, I don't cry because I'm sad. I hurt, in ways I don't even understand, in ways I can't put words or even thoughts to... I cry because I'm in pain.

Between the Trees-The Way She Feels
This song is just that-The Way She Feels. Cutting relieves all those tensions, pains, and frustrations from the day. My blade is like a friend, but it's empty... There is nothing in that blade but all the crimson tears my skin can shed. "Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief." That's what cutting gives me. The pain (emotional, not physical) release is unexplainable. The anxiety is gone, it's over. The tears come, they almost always come. Just sitting there watching the bleeding, my face soaked with tears... I don't understand how it calms, but it is like this white sheet of peace being draped over me. Once the tears stop, the pain is gone. It never lasts though...

Riah-Across Her Skin
First and foremost, my father never never never sexually abused me. I was, however, abused as a second grade child. What did that makes me, 7? I don't remember a lot of it and, in many ways, don't feel it affected me much after the immediate time. My favorite T disagrees... It's a child's coping mechanism to block out what occured and the confusion surrounding it. I really don't recall many details. I can't take the pain, I know the wounds on my heart and soul will never heal and I cut. Again, this song is incredibly powerful, the raw reality is painful for even me to listen to. I want to cry for the little girl who wrote this song and poured every emotion she had into it.

Cuts are physical wounds, you can see them, you know how they got there and that they will heal. You can see them heal, it makes sense. Physical pain makes sense, I can understand it, and, unfortunately, I embrace it. Physical pain shatters through emotional numbness and distracts you from nerves/anxiety. I remember, even as a young gymnast, beating my feet on the floor until they hurt so bad I could no longer feel the pounding every time my foot hit to quell my anxiety at meets. I would have lumps and massive bruises from this. I remember doing this as young as 7 or 8 but it may have been even earlier. I've finally surprised myself, I never realized I had been causing myself pain to relieve anxiety for that long. I figured it started in 6th grade-the first time I cut. Oddly enough, it was within 2 weeks of the first time I purged. Funny, in a way, how a 14 day period began a life-spiral that I wouldn't find my way out of. That time has lead to 13 years of eating disorders and self-injury.