I find myself not hanging on this journey of life. All I feel is myself slipping back into blackness, a zone of not caring about anything. Certainly don't care about myself or what I do. I wish I could disappear from this world. The best part is when I said to four separate people today, "I was hoping I was dead, but then I heard my alarm go off" and all they said was "really???" and "that's funny." Maybe I'm too good at pretending to be content (happy is too strong of a word).
My mind is stuck in a cycle of self-deprecating thoughts, most don't seem excessive, I mean, there is truth behind them, and all sorts of cynical thoughts about others. Sitting in a restaurant, all I can feel are peoples' eyes on me-judging what i eat and how I eat it. It makes me feel fatter and uglier than I am. I walk down the street and see people staring at my chubby sides and big thighs, it makes me want to wear huge clothes. at least then they can't see the truth... the list goes on.
I'm just exhausted. When you're so tired you can't keep your eyes open yet someone inside of you is forcing you to purge anyways, you know you have ceded all control. I know I have none right now, however, I can chose whether or not to eat, I guess I do still have control.
Wherever the journey is going, I'm not going with it, I'm staying exactly where I am. Obviously I fell off whatever was taking me along.
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