So confused

So, lately has been a hodge-podge of good mixed with terrible. There have been good days, happy days, almost peaceful days and some horribly low ones too where I forget everything-even things I did or read just moments earlier. So often I can't remember what people tell me or what I read even as we're still sitting there talking or I catch myself rereading the same thing over and over unable to retain any of it. Lately I haven't even been able to keep my work straight making mistakes that I can't even fathom myself making, forgetting routine parts of my studies (and even writing the word 'stupids' instead of studies right there), and messing up study stuff irreparably... I feel so guilty for messing up the work I do. If you know what I do, you might understand. If you don't know what I do, it's probably for the best.

Yesterday morning I marveled at the stars in the sky when I left for work at 4:15. This morning the stars were even more beautiful and the cicadas sounded so beautiful-in their odd screaming sort of way. Where is this going? I mean, finding beauty in simple things is a good thing. When you're depressed you can't find joy in anything... The problem is I sit there debating for the whole drive to work and then the subsequent 9 hours while there (maybe even later) about whether being here to see the stars and sunrises and hear the cicadas and everything else is worth the pain of this world. So often my answer is no. Work is so frustrating, and it's been even worse lately since I've been screwing up so badly. I feel like I'll never get anything right there. The more time I'm there the more I screw up. Except, these screw-ups can cost millions if not billions of dollars for our clients. It's too much stress. i can't deal with it day in and day out... The worst part is having to appear completely normal and like a girl who has it together when I can't keep myself from crying, even at work, when no one is looking. I feel like my existence is beyond repair, beyond help and beyond hope. I'm so tired of pretending, but if I don't, I'll lose my job, so I keep up this facade and come home feeling defeated every day. The more I'm stressed at work, the less or more... I eat. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of work, and I'm just tired of tomorrow always coming.

How can I feel like this and still find the beauty in the stars and sunrises? Be excited about the coming autumn? How can I want to die-to not have to face tomorrow, yet be excited about the sights and sounds and the happy memories they bring back?

Voices Amongst Other Things

When I allude to hearing voices, I don't mean in a schizophrenic way, I mean the voice of my eating disorder. Though, my T tells me it's really no different. It's the same abusive, vulgar, and derogatory language often seen in psychiatric illnesses... Great, even he seems to be hinting at my craziness...

Speaking of my T. I have a 2 hour torture session with my T, psyciatrist, gen. practitioner, and dietician tomorrow... We need to be on the "same page." I'm scared about it. I'm worried there will be some ultimatum laid out-gain x lbs by y date or in patient.

Beyond that... My baby Samuel is so sick... He has essentially no motor control of his back legs and he doesn't seem to be able to swallow normally and therefore isn't drinking or really swallowing saliva well... I had full blood work done and his chem and metabolic panels are normal and his CBC just shows very slight anemia... So, no answers there... Seems almost like a stroke or that his brain is still bleeding... I guess all I can do is make sure he isn't in pain and when/if he is make the choice to put him down. I was inconsolably in tears last Thursday night when he seemed to be convulsing. Losing him will be a huge blow for me. He's really all I have. He's my little cuddle buddy... and, with that, we both need some cuddles before bed.

Courage-Superchick

No real explanation for this song. It's open, honest, and tells the story. I'm not through the night, I'm not sure I ever will be. This journey is a battle, a fight every day to find the light and to keep my eyes on it. The secrets and the shame of an eating disorder are what foster its strength. Isolation from the rest of the world causes someone to turn inwards. The only thing they can see inside is their disorder and it's the most comforting thing they think they have.

Superchick-Courage
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

Angry

Angry
Rage
Sad
Ashamed
Afraid
Nervous
Anxious
Hate
Disgusted
Embarrassed
Hate

amongst other things express how I've been feeling, especially since Sunday... No details needed, if you don't know, you probably shouldn't. I am so beyond angry, I'm hurt and I feel betrayed. I feel like I was thrown under the bus out of some sick case of revenge. Now, as a result of pure and utter bull, I will be stuck going to therapy twice a week for an undetermined length of time. I'm not sure I have ever been more upset in my entire life. The last time I was committed to therapy and forced to take medications against my will, it was a result of a very serious choice I made in my life-The last time I attempted to kill myself. Now I'm committed to therapy and medications on some overblown allegations. I've gotten myself so upset I was throwing up last night in between sobs until i fell asleep on the bathroom floor around 4:30... I'm so done with this.

Like the Rain

Clint Black-Like The Rain

I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain

Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain

When the cloud is rolling over thunder striking me
It's as bright as lightning and I wonder why I couldn't see
That it's always good and when the flood is gone we still remain
Guess I've known all along I just belong here with you falling

Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you, I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain I have fallen for you
I'm falling for you now just like the rain

And when the night falls on our better days
And we're looking to the sky
For the winds to take us high above the plains
I know that we'll find better ways to look into the eye of the storms that will be calling
Forever we'll be falling like the rain...

PostSecret on Mental Illness

This postcard showed up on PostSecret.com on Saturday night... Is this where I went so wrong? That people have been forced to have a relationship with my illness instead of me? Am I my illness? Are we synonymous? I am depression, anxiety, self injury and the insidious eating disorder. It's not surprising that any attempt to have a relationship with me would only result in having to deal with all of my 'others' too. Who wants that? How can someone be expected to break through the disease to find me? Am I even in there? I find my eating disorder personified. Though I don't call it Ed, Eddy, Edith, Ana, or Mia, it is still mine and mine alone. No one else has an ed like mine. My eating disorder talks to me all the time-in my conscious thoughts and my every sleeping moment. On bad days my eating disorder talks through me and it's very words come out of my mouth-aloud... On those days words come out of my own mouth from ME answering my eating disorder... That is the definition of crazy-talking to your 'other self.' I can see how a relationship with me is nothing more than a relationship with my eating disorder. A relationship with my eating disorder leads to a relationship with the anxiety and severe depression that go with. Where am I in all of this? I'm the crazy one talking to my disorder... go figure. Truly, it's no wonder no one wants to be with me, women are difficult enough without getting a damaged and completely psychotic one. However, what another person sees isn't even the half of the reality of me. I still have some ability to hide the worst of it.


On another note, I'm at a friend's house tonight. We went out to dinner, I got boneless wings (with celery) and convinced his daughter that I like celery so much that I'm eating it even though I'm not hungry. She asked why I wasn't eating the chicken... I know the truth and you probably do too... That's my eating disorder screaming inside my head. It was a restaurant where nearly everything is deep fried, covered with cheese, or drenched in butter... Makes me want to throw up and not from purging... "I told another lie today and I got through this day no one saw through my games. I know the right words to say like 'I don't feel well' and 'I ate before I came.' Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment, for a moment I feel happy. But when I'm alone no one hears me cry..." I lied to a kid... I ate celery for dinner... After getting a turkey sandwich for lunch and eating half a bite-I didn't like it... I had diet Mt. Dew for breakfast and lunch. Pathetic waste of space. I don't know which voice is stronger, the one screaming at me for being a pathetic waste of space and human emotion or the one disgusted with me for even putting that sandwich to my mouth and swallowing that celery-also calling me a pathetic waste of space... I feel it's the later. My eating disorder hates me more than I do. However, when I don't eat, I have a best friend. I feel strong and beautiful and my disorder agrees. How sick and twisted is that? Better yet, my ed and I will die together-best friends together for life and never apart even in death. how romantic.

So, as much as I hate this postcard, it's because it hits me hard... A relationship with me is nothing more than a relationship with my mental illness... I'm sorry I'm sick. I'm sorry you have to put up with me, it's not fair to you. I'm sorry...

I quit on today

Plain and simple, I quit... I went to work early and stayed late and dealt with too much shit in between. The new scheduling idea is stupid, we work more hours to do the same amount of work... This morning we were taking body weights on rats (they were having food consumption data, mass measurements and clinical signs done in the afternoon). Well, based on weight loss or obviously huge masses 10 needed to be euthanized. A coworker e-mailed the study director for permission. Because I didn't want it getting too late, I e-mailed the study director and asked for the verdict on the rats-he replied "suzy, please take the following rats to necropsy" and gave me the list of 10 animals. Well, I had to finish taking the data on them and then enter their 'death information' (why they were dying and who said it was ok), i had one animal left when the other tech came in and says "those rats are going to necropsy in the morning" um... they can't, i already entered their info! So, she goes and tells necropsy (apparently she'd already told them they were going tomorrow) and when I bring the rats in the lady at necropsy completely freaked out and wanted me to spell my name for her. I told her what happened (that no one told me they were going tomorrow and I wanted to get them to necropsy as early as possible as it's not nice to bring them at the end of the day causing the necropsy techs to stay late) and she just says "that's NOT what Becca said." So, this all went down at 2, they are supposed to work until 4. At 4, one tech was still in necropsy and was starting to clean up... seriously? Anyways, I e-mailed the communication between the study director and myself to my supervisor so she knew what was up when she got the call... I'm so sick of being yelled at for no reason, I was doing my job-why doesn't she do hers??? Everyone has been running behind lately and it's making things hard for all of us. I did several doses by myself today because the other doser didn't get there in time... I worked through lunch and straight though until well after my scheduled hours. Why is it that you bust your ass all day and all anyone can say to you is something to the effect of 'why did you f' this up?' I'm sick of it. I hate work and I hate covance. I can't handle the drama.

Being allowed or even encouraged to skip lunch due to scheduling is really dangerous for me. It's way too easy for me to slip back to restricting-especially when I'm so stressed and upset. Better yet, I come home and eat 14 pancakes (and not small ones) just for the sake of being able to purge. I hate eating, I especially hate binge eating, but, I just want to purge and it's so much better if I ate. All i want to do is purge, I've even purged at work. I know, pathetic. Why can't i just make people happy? I feel completely useless. No one appreciates me, i don't see the point in getting up much less going to work. It's pointless. I hate myself and the more i purge the more pathetic i feel, but if I don't, i can't handle it... The emotional release, the tears, the feeling of accomplishment... I'll never be good enough but maybe i can at least be pretty. If I lose weight and like myself other people will too. I just wish I was doing better at losing-I feel like I'm just getting fatter and uglier.

I haven't slept in at least 3 nights, I'm exhausted and this whole work situation is just so overwhelming. Work is this stress in my life that I can't get away from and I can't make any better.

Why the heck to people have to yell at me for nothing? ugh. I need to quit on today, if I think about it any more I'm just going to end up purging more or worse. maybe quitting is self-preservation.

I hate my life.