So, lately has been a hodge-podge of good mixed with terrible. There have been good days, happy days, almost peaceful days and some horribly low ones too where I forget everything-even things I did or read just moments earlier. So often I can't remember what people tell me or what I read even as we're still sitting there talking or I catch myself rereading the same thing over and over unable to retain any of it. Lately I haven't even been able to keep my work straight making mistakes that I can't even fathom myself making, forgetting routine parts of my studies (and even writing the word 'stupids' instead of studies right there), and messing up study stuff irreparably... I feel so guilty for messing up the work I do. If you know what I do, you might understand. If you don't know what I do, it's probably for the best.
Yesterday morning I marveled at the stars in the sky when I left for work at 4:15. This morning the stars were even more beautiful and the cicadas sounded so beautiful-in their odd screaming sort of way. Where is this going? I mean, finding beauty in simple things is a good thing. When you're depressed you can't find joy in anything... The problem is I sit there debating for the whole drive to work and then the subsequent 9 hours while there (maybe even later) about whether being here to see the stars and sunrises and hear the cicadas and everything else is worth the pain of this world. So often my answer is no. Work is so frustrating, and it's been even worse lately since I've been screwing up so badly. I feel like I'll never get anything right there. The more time I'm there the more I screw up. Except, these screw-ups can cost millions if not billions of dollars for our clients. It's too much stress. i can't deal with it day in and day out... The worst part is having to appear completely normal and like a girl who has it together when I can't keep myself from crying, even at work, when no one is looking. I feel like my existence is beyond repair, beyond help and beyond hope. I'm so tired of pretending, but if I don't, I'll lose my job, so I keep up this facade and come home feeling defeated every day. The more I'm stressed at work, the less or more... I eat. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of work, and I'm just tired of tomorrow always coming.
How can I feel like this and still find the beauty in the stars and sunrises? Be excited about the coming autumn? How can I want to die-to not have to face tomorrow, yet be excited about the sights and sounds and the happy memories they bring back?
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