Voices Amongst Other Things

When I allude to hearing voices, I don't mean in a schizophrenic way, I mean the voice of my eating disorder. Though, my T tells me it's really no different. It's the same abusive, vulgar, and derogatory language often seen in psychiatric illnesses... Great, even he seems to be hinting at my craziness...

Speaking of my T. I have a 2 hour torture session with my T, psyciatrist, gen. practitioner, and dietician tomorrow... We need to be on the "same page." I'm scared about it. I'm worried there will be some ultimatum laid out-gain x lbs by y date or in patient.

Beyond that... My baby Samuel is so sick... He has essentially no motor control of his back legs and he doesn't seem to be able to swallow normally and therefore isn't drinking or really swallowing saliva well... I had full blood work done and his chem and metabolic panels are normal and his CBC just shows very slight anemia... So, no answers there... Seems almost like a stroke or that his brain is still bleeding... I guess all I can do is make sure he isn't in pain and when/if he is make the choice to put him down. I was inconsolably in tears last Thursday night when he seemed to be convulsing. Losing him will be a huge blow for me. He's really all I have. He's my little cuddle buddy... and, with that, we both need some cuddles before bed.

Courage-Superchick

No real explanation for this song. It's open, honest, and tells the story. I'm not through the night, I'm not sure I ever will be. This journey is a battle, a fight every day to find the light and to keep my eyes on it. The secrets and the shame of an eating disorder are what foster its strength. Isolation from the rest of the world causes someone to turn inwards. The only thing they can see inside is their disorder and it's the most comforting thing they think they have.

Superchick-Courage
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day